


Everything we renounce except ourselves

by pulpedeva



Category: The Charioteer - Mary Renault
Genre: 1940s, Canon Compliant, Goodbyes, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 07:59:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18734884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pulpedeva/pseuds/pulpedeva
Summary: “Come here, then,” said Ralph with gentle arrogance. “Come and say goodbye to me.”Filling that torturous gap.





	Everything we renounce except ourselves

**Author's Note:**

  * For [deliarium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/deliarium/gifts).



“Come here, then,” said Ralph with gentle arrogance. “Come and say goodbye to me.”

 

Laurie crossed the room and stood facing Ralph. Although they were only a few feet apart now, neither moved. Ralph kept one arm on the mantelpiece and the other hung loose. Was it to be a quick embrace, a handshake?

“Well, I suppose-,“ Laurie moved his hand forward, but the inadequacy of it struck him. “Goodbye then, Ralph.”

The light came through the open curtains and fell harshly on Ralph’s face. Up close, without the flattery of firelight or the relief of semi-darkness, he looked older than his years. 

If Laurie was expecting the other man to give him the relief of a formal dismissal, he was to be disappointed. Ralph was still and unmoving and only held Laurie’s eyes, his face quite impassive. 

Even as he moved toward him, Laurie knew it was not pity or even good manners, that made him hold out his arms and pull Ralph to him. Of course, he should have known that there would be comfort and reassurance in the familiar shape of Ralph’s body against his. But if only Ralph would take control of the situation, perhaps Laurie would be given the chance to break the embrace and push him away. 

The embrace continued, chaste and unresolved. And after a few moments, Laurie felt that he must end it and he began to release Ralph with a sick sense of deflation and disappointment. But Ralph’s hand was upon his neck and Laurie leaned into him, feeling the warm skin at the base of his throat. Yet, after a few moments Ralph seemed about to move away. 

“No.” He brought his hand down firmly onto Ralph’s arm and was surprised at the force of his restraint. “You can’t just expect me to-,” The words formulating in his head were hard to speak, “You-,” It was not going to be easy, after all, to turn away at the final moment so he said, “Alright.” But still he didn’t move.

Ralph, possessed by an unnatural placidity, continued his inert stance. If Laurie was expecting him to use his considerable skill to make it easier to either leave or stay, then on both counts, Ralph would not play. For a moment it gave Laurie an unexpected and perhaps unwanted feeling of power, to be given the chance, or the choice. He would have to make a commitment of sorts and take with it his own burden. 

But he must go through the motion of leave taking, so he squeezed Ralph’s arm and made to move away, yet again, felt unable.

“What is it, Spud?” Ralph said softly.

Sometimes, it was easier not to speak. Speaking gave a form to the words that he didn’t really want to acknowledge. Laurie’s actions would say enough, although perhaps he fooled himself, if he considered his actions to have in them all which he had to say. He brought his hands to Ralph’s face and held them there for a moment, and then, as if giving in to an impulse impossible to curb, he kissed him.

It seemed to last for a long time and in it was the release of sadness and perhaps the denial of expectation, certainly a sort of blind denial of the reality of being in this room, with his tongue in Ralph’s mouth. 

With each movement of his lips against Ralph’s, he felt their time being brought to an end; a countdown to his solitary exit and walk back alone past the Wells. No more, he thought, even as he allowed the kiss to deepen. Whether it was him or Ralph manoeuvring them towards the divan, he couldn’t say, and still he was imagining the last few moments together, the press of his body against Ralph already stored up as a memory for future use.

They had reached the wall beside the divan. Ralph moved away and drew the curtains against the afternoon light, and crossing to the bed, began to remove his clothes. 

It would not be true to say that Laurie was in a dreamlike state. He knew, as he stood looking at Ralph, that he was aware of what he would be doing. But his easy capitulation left him feeling unpleasantly irritated with himself. And it immobilised him with a passive, self-absorption that kept him still and frowning.

“Spud, you’re thinking again.” Ralph, already finished, sat back against the bedhead and watched him. Whatever expression was in his eyes, Laurie ignored it, saying nothing, and instead concentrated on beginning to remove his own clothes.  
He finished, still silent and moved to sit beside Ralph. 

Ralph looked across at him, “You’ll be staying, then?” His expression was warm and humorous, but Laurie could sense in himself still, the reluctance to forgive, although whom he wouldn’t forgive, he was not sure. It made him less gentle and uncertain than he might have been. He put his hands on Ralph and shoved him backwards, his weight heavy against him and after running his hand through Ralph’s hair, pushed his mouth onto his.

They continued the wordless conversation, with Laurie feeling as if, against expectation, he was the one driving the pace forward, and yet, he was still constrained by the thought that he mustn’t make it easy. What Laurie sought to do, was to take from Ralph what he needed and wanted. But he recognised, implicit in the sentiment, the cruelty of it. In giving in to him, he owed Ralph something and yet, even as he forced his tongue further into Ralph’s mouth, he needed affirmation to moderate his guilt. He broke away and asked a little roughly, “Is this what you want?” But it was a question that deserved no answer.

Perhaps, Ralph could sense the self-chastisement beneath the apparent unkindness and declined to give his reassurances in words. Instead, he pulled Laurie across him, his hands moving to rest on Laurie’s hips.

Even at the moment of contact, with Ralph’s hands against his skin, Laurie felt the conflicting pull of compunction and arousal. Impossible to pretend this time, without the ameliorating excuse of loneliness, or bereavement, that he did not know what it was all about. Ignorance would no longer alleviate the culpability and confusion. He felt in the touch of Ralph against him, that he must learn to do without this and yet that he could not. 

Ralph appeared to have no such contrary sentiments to deal with. He moved around to push Laurie back so that he was sitting up against the headboard. Straddling him and bending to kiss him, he spoke into the soft flesh of Laurie’s stomach. “Shall I do this? Because you know I want to.” He was already moving his mouth towards the place where, if Laurie had entertained further uncertainties they would soon be impossible to deny.

Laurie pulled the fair hair as it fell over Ralph’s face and brushed his thighs. Looking Ralph in the eye would be hard but he made himself do it, as if steeling himself for an unwelcome but anticipated pain. 

And yet when they looked at each other, there was nothing in Ralph’s expression but affection and possibly understanding. 

It was impossible, too, to feel anything but a stab of happiness and pleasure, in the pressure of Ralph’s hands and mouth against him, that would not be dulled, however resolutely he wished it.

 

“Afterwards...”

**Author's Note:**

> It's almost impossible to write this scene and do any justice to MR, who probably had it right when she left this part unwritten and implied. And I can see why nobody else has done it, again it is probably too perfect as it is. But, well, I had a go anyway.
> 
> For deliarium because I enjoy our chats, and I wanted to write this, so I thought I'd write it for you.
> 
> Hope you enjoy! 
> 
> BTW, I'm really happy to attempt to write anything for this fandom, which I love, so anyone, please feel free to ask me and I'll do my best.
> 
> Title inspired by this WW2 poem. 
> 
> Alun Lewis (1915-44) is one of the best-known English poets of the Second World War. 
> 
> Goodbye
> 
> So we must say Goodbye, my darling,  
> And go, as lovers go, for ever;  
> Tonight remains, to pack and fix on labels  
> And make an end of lying down together.  
> I put a final shilling in the gas,  
> And watch you slip your dress below your knees  
> And lie so still I hear your rustling comb  
> Modulate the autumn in the trees.  
> And all the countless things I shall remember  
> Lay mummy-cloths of silence round my head;  
> I fill the carafe with a drink of water;  
> You say ‘We paid a guinea for this bed,’  
> And then, ‘We’ll leave some gas, a little warmth  
> For the next resident, and these dry flowers,’  
> And turn your face away, afraid to speak  
> The big word, that Eternity is ours.  
> Your kisses close my eyes and yet you stare  
> As though god struck a child with nameless fears;  
> Perhaps the water glitters and discloses  
> Time’s chalice and its limpid useless tears.  
> Everything we renounce except our selves;  
> Selfishness is the last of all to go;  
> Our sighs are exhalations of the earth,  
> Our footprints leave a track across the snow.  
> We made the universe to be our home,  
> Our nostrils took the wind to be our breath,  
> Our hearts are massive towers of delight,  
> We stride across the seven seas of death.  
> Yet when all’s done you’ll keep the emerald  
> I placed upon your finger in the street;  
> And I will keep the patches that you sewed  
> On my old battledress tonight, my sweet.


End file.
